If you’re single like me, you may have spent today in a state somewhere between pure ‘cringe’ and pure envy. Cringe because of all the un-humble ‘boy did good’ bragging and envy, because ok maybe you wish, just a little bit, that you had a bae to profess his love to you on a cookie. This mood can only lead to one thought process ‘maybe I’ll just re-download tinder and see what/who is out there’.
Girls, let me save you the trauma… This is what’s out there…
The Group Shot Guy
Who are you? Seriously, which one? This is the dude who wants to show you he’s social, his life is a ball and he’s not even that bothered if you swipe right. So what’s wrong with that?
We spend way longer than we should admit on that first picture playing a little game of ‘Where’s Wally’ and assessing which one we hope is him. This games usually ends in one of two ways – you never find out because every damn shot is a groupie OR about four in you realise he's not the hot one.
The Johnny Bravado
Whoa Mama, this guy is into himself, especially his buff bod. First pic is either his ripped/tensed torso or a moody selfie with arm strategically placed behind his head to show off his bulging biceps, this is the male equivalent of pushing your arms together to boost your cleavage. Give him a chance; he’s probably super deep and sensitive. If you hear ‘enough about you, let’s talk about me’ you know it’s a short but sweet ride ahead.
Why do you look different in every photo? Are you a Catfish? And again, which one are you? This is the guy that could be great IRL but you’re too afraid to take a chance because his random assortment of profile pics (some pretty cute BTW) leave you guessing if he’s actually for real.
The ‘Me Tarzan’ Man
Where are these boys going to get photographed with tigers? Is there a secret initiation service run by Tinder setting up tiger and snake petting sessions that come with a free ‘look how manly I am’ photo? There are no more words about this, it’s just weird and we’d like it to stop.
The Ghost of Relationships Past
Because nothing gets a girl interested like a selfie featuring a cute guy and his fit AF ex-girlfriend, sometimes wife (in full wedding gear). We all come with baggage but we don’t usually try to pull with ours. Just leaves us thinking, is he over her? Is he trying to show me his ‘standard’? Sometimes they’ve sort of cropped her out, but we still know. If we get a few dates in, we might wanna sift through your ex-files, but it should be our choice and we never want you to know about it.